river of dreams

Thursday, September 20, 2007

resume


Also funny...

REAL-LIFE RESUME BLUNDERS

by Toni Bowers
June 6th, 2007
techrepublic.com

How bad of a mistake you can make on your resume? Here are some real life examples from Dribbleglass.com:

- I am very detail-oreinted.
- My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
- Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
- Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
- It's best for employers that i not work with people.
- Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
- I am a quick learner, dependable, and motivated.
- If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
- My fortune cookie said, "your next interview will result in a job". And I like your company in particular.
- I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
- Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
- Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.
- Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
- Reason for leaving last job: the owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
- Previous experience: self-employed-a fiasco.
- Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
- Experience: watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
- I am a rabid typist.
- I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
- Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
- Strengths: ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
- I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
- Reason for leaving last job: pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
- Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
- Objective: to have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.
Special skills: thyping.
- My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
- I can play well with others.
- Personal goal: to hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
- Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.
- Experience: provided correct answers to customers' questions.
- Education: graduated from predatory school with honors.
- Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
- I have happily been a kept manager for the last 10 years.
- Have extensive experience in turkey manufacturs as well as new product development and implementation.
- I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.
- Personal: five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.
- While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
- My compesation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.
- Hire me and you won't regret it-I am funny, cute, smart and creative, really.
- Referees available upon request.
- Previous rank: senior instigator.
- I have recently sold my home and now I live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.
- Reason for leaving: they stopped paying me.
- Cover letter: desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgement, which are so hard to find these days.
- Personal achievements: successfully played Chop Sticks on a toy piano with my big toes.
- Objective: to obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.
- Strengths: impersonal skills.
- Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.
- Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at home improvement store.
- Vocational plans: Sea World.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home